Xmas! Text below!                Christmas Stupidity   [Ikkairius walks down the street toward the house, a bag of groceries tucked under his arm.  As he passes the picket fence of a neighbor’s house, an older woman steps off the porch and hastily crosses the yard, dodging plastic candy canes and a nativity scene before reaching the fence.] Neighbor Lady:  Mr. Ikkairius! Ikkairius: [sighs and stops, forcing a polite smile as he shifts the bag to his other arm] Mrs. Moore, how are you today? Mrs. Moore:  [smiles] I’m certainly ready for Christmas, and I noticed earlier today that you’re finally decorating too!  And please, call me Linda, er… What did you say your first name was?  We have been neighbors for several months, after all. Ikkairius:  It’s Ikkairius. Mrs. Moore:  But isn’t that…? Never mind.  I know we really haven’t spoken much since I caught Ancelin replacing the pills in my medicine cabinet and Zephyr stealing my newspaper, but I would love it if you’d show me what you’re doing for the holiday season.  It’s wonderful when the whole block can have a kind of theme. [The pair begins walking down the sidewalk, rock salt crunching under their feet.] Ikkairius: Theme… yes… Mrs. Moore: I’ve noticed that your house is just so busy!  There are toddlers, older children, and college students coming and going at all hours of the day and night.  I never know if you’re running a day care or a division of student housing! Ikkairius:  Some of both, actually. Mrs. Moore: [points at Ikkairius’ yard] Oh, look!  The children have made snowmen! [A veritable army of snowmen stands in the yard, although the snow around them appears to be undisturbed.  Three are impaled by ice lances to the side of the house, several screaming snowmen are being pulled into the ground by reaching hands next to a sign that reads ‘quick sand pit of hell,’ two have been rigged to hang by nooses from the large oak trees, and one lays splattered in pieces after an apparent fall from the roof.  The snow carnage continues across the front lawn and into the back yard.] Mrs. Moore: [surveys the dead and dying snowmen, hand pressed to her mouth.] Oh… oh my… [Zephyr appears from behind a decapitated snowman and toddles over to Ikkairius, wrapping his arms around the Ancient Selestarri’s leg and blinking up at him from behind his goggles.] Ikkairius: [suppresses a smile and pats the youngest Dark on the head.]  You and… Kallixstus, I’m guessing? [Zephyr nods and takes a pacifier from the pocket of his jacket.] Ikkairius: They’re lovely aren’t they, Linda?  [The stricken woman nods distractedly.] Why don’t you go find Kallixstus and tell him to order Chinese take-out for dinner? [The toddler runs off and Ikkairius takes Mrs. Moore’s arm, gently leading her toward the house and hiding an amused smile behind his thick scarf.] Ikkairius: The children’s artwork can be a bit… overly descriptive, at times.  Why don’t you come in and have a cup of coffee? [In the foyer he takes the woman’s coat and leads her into the dining room.  The large fireplace burns brightly, scattering light over the beautifully set table of crystal, china, and silver.  Candles hang unaided throughout the room, and eleven stockings adorn the mantle.] Mrs. Moore:  [gasps] This is beautiful! Ikkairius: [nods] Yes, Aki did a wonderful job.  Perhaps a little too much Harry Potter with the candles, but overall it is indeed beautiful. Mrs. Moore: [lifts a hand to touch the nearest floating candle] How did he do this? Ikkairius: [gently pulls her toward the fireplace] Sometimes it’s better not to know, and just enjoy the magic of the season. Mrs. Moore:  Ikkairius, surely you don’t believe in magic?  It’s the… work of the … devil… [Her voice trails off as she gently runs her fingers through the fluffy white clouds that crown each of the quilted stockings.]  How? Ikkairius: [smiles] Aki has his secrets.  Shall we go to the living room?  The tree should be finished by now. [A huge tree stands before the bay windows in the living room, stretching toward the lofty cathedral ceiling.  Black candles light the boughs, carefully placed around the fire-hued garland and onyx ribbon that twist down the length of the tree.  Ornaments consisting of mirrored balls, slender silver icicles, effigies of burning angels made of raffia and gauzy fabric, black and white candy canes, and glittering ebony snowflakes hang from the protruding needles.  Majestically surveying the living room from the top of the tree is a stuffed crow, its smaller cronies tucked amidst the ornaments.  At the bottom, spread over the hardwood flooring, is a black and red plaid tree skirt, edged in lace.] Mrs. Moore:  Well… it’s an… interesting idea of decoration… Ikkairius: [nods] We trade off the tree decorating duties every year.  Sashi and Kribensis were in charge of this tree, and I think they’ve done a fine job, much more tame than last year’s homage to an S&M club that Stoer and Lochs put together. Mrs. Moore: S&M? Ikkairius:  [laughs] Yes, and not the ‘saintly and martyred’ meaning of S&M that you’re thinking of.  Who would have thought bullwhips could be used as garland? Mrs. Moore: Oh, my… well then, yes, this is much better, albeit… dark and somehow moody… Ikkairius:  [leads Mrs. Moore toward the kitchen] Trust me, I’ve tried everything on and off the legal markets, but nothing makes those two happy… Mrs. Moore:  You’re giving drugs to children?! Ikkairius: [smiles] More or less.  Parents give their children mood altering medications all the time.  Ritalin, Prozac, children’s Nyquil… Mrs. Moore:  Yes, but those children are ill. Ikkairius: [pours two cups of coffee and laughs] You obviously don’t know these children well at all. Mrs. Moore: [looks at the cup for a moment before accepting the drink] Sippy cup? Ikkairius:  [shrugs] It’s all we seem to have here. Mrs. Moore:  How did you come to be in charge of all these… challenged… children? Ikkairius: [opens a tin of cookies] The Fox and the Rabbit. Mrs. Moore: Who? Ikkairius: [hands Mrs. Moore a napkin full of sugar cookies] Sadly, they are in charge of this universe and have some kind of personal vendetta against me. Mrs. Moore: Like Gods?  I’ve never heard of a Fox and Rabbit religion… [Takes a sip of coffee]  This is excellent, Ikkairius!  What do you add to make it so flavorful? Ikkairius: [discreetly slides the bottle of Maker’s Mark to the back of the counter and smiles] Old family recipe.  The children certainly seem to enjoy it just before naptime. Mrs. Moore:  I think I’d enjoy this anytime.  [Studies one of the cookies, eyes wide] I… I didn’t know they made cookie cutters for these kinds of shapes… Ikkairius: [bites a leg off an anatomically correct gingerbread woman wearing lingerie of shiny sprinkles] Yes, Stoer and Lochs found the most interesting cookie cutters this year.  Surprisingly, they’re good bakers, although the decoration is perhaps a bit avante garde for most people’s tastes. Mrs. Moore: [nods absently while shifting through the other cookies on the napkin] Certainly not appropriate for my church cookie exchange.  Oh, I’ve never seen a Santa cookie in that position… Ikkairius: [gestures toward the dining room] Would you like to continue the tour? [The smell of pine floats on the air far down the hallway that leads to the library.  An adolescent Ancelin sits on the couch, surrounded by tree branches and ribbon, a coil of crafting wire in hand. Six large wreaths lay scattered over the floor, wound with ribbon, poinsettias, glass ornaments, and glass holly berries filled with a glowing red liquid.] Mrs. Moore:  My dear, these wreaths are simply gorgeous!  Where did you find these glass berries?  They look almost… like… is this real blood?! Ancelin: [smiles sweetly and holds up a large syringe] Would you care to donate?  Everyone else has given a little piece of themselves for the holiday cause. Ikkairius:  Ancelin… Mrs. Moore: Blood for ornaments, sexually themed cookies, violent snowmen, and Goth trees?  Ikkairius, this kind of decorating is just not acceptable for our neighborhood!   [She turns and rushes out of the side entrance to the library.  Moments later she runs back in, screaming and pointing at the  door.]                                                                                                                 Mrs. Moore:  Demon!  God save me, a demon! [Kallixstus steps into the library wearing only a towel, his skin, hair, and wings stained with splotches of red.  Ikkairius gives him a questioning look as Ancelin bursts into hysterical laughter.] Kallixstus: [shrugs] I mixed the dye for the snow carnage in the yard, but apparently it really stains, even after a shower. [Ikkairius, Ancelin, and Kallixstus follow the screams of Mrs. Moore, arriving with Zephyr and the twins just as she flings open the closet door to retrieve her coat.  Aki and Sashi are pressed against each other in the small space, half dressed, and panting heavily.  They all stare at each other silently for a moment before Sashi holds out Mrs. Moore’s coat.] Mrs. Moore:  [barely audible] Oh Heavenly God… Aki: [notices Ikkairius’ unhappy look and grins sheepishly] We were looking for Narnia? Kallixstus: [snickers] I’m sure you’ll find it somewhere near Sashi’s tonsils. Kribensis: [steps in through the front door, carrying the mail] What’s going on? Mrs. Moore: This is a house of evil!  I’m calling child protective services to have the children removed immediate—“ [The woman drops to the floor, eyes glassy and a small trickle of blood leaking from her nose.] Ikkairius:  [frowns] Sashi… Sashi:  I was, um, aiming at Kribensis and missed? Kribensis: [glares at the Dark] Fuck you. Zephyr:  What do we do with her now?  Lochs:   Oh, don’t worry, we know people who specialize in this kind of ‘clean up.’ Ikkairius:  Killing and disposing of her body won’t be necessary this time.  In a few minutes she’ll be able to walk, even though her mind will still be a mess.  Zephyr, take her home and give her some happy memories to remember her visit with us. Kallixstus:  That’s no fun.  You brought her in here, knowing it would offend her conservative morals, just so you could have some fun.  Now we should get to kill her, which would be fun for us. Ikkairius:  [flicks his wrist and a large strip of cloth covers the Half-Dark’s mouth] The rest of you finish your decorating and get ready for dinner.  Santa doesn’t come to houses that don’t display the proper level of merriment.  I’m assuming you all want presents, so get moving. *** [The evening is late as Ikkairius tucks Kribensis and the twins into their bed and turns off the light before crossing the hall to Zephyr’s room.] Ikkairius:  [pulls the blankets around the youngest Selestarri’s shoulders] You found some pleasant memories for our nosy neighbor? Zephyr:  [blinks sleepily and nods] Don’t be surprised if she now thinks she’s a lesbian, though. Ikkairius:  [sighs] Remember when we talked about changing people’s sexual gender preferences after they’re already married? Zephyr:  [yawns] She’s an annoying bitch who deserves some controversy in her ‘perfect,’ meaningless life.  [He reaches for a stuffed cat and hugs it close] I’ll fix it if you really want, though. Ikkairius: [smiles and reaches for the switch on the bedside lamp] There will be time before Independence Day, or maybe next Thanksgiving.  [The room goes dark.] Goodnight, Zephyr. *** [Ikkairius reads quietly in the living room, snacking on the lewd cut-out cookies and sipping from a cup full of Maker’s Mark.  Wrapped gifts flow from under the tree, taking up most of the floor in a sea of bright color and bows.  The clock chimes one a.m. as the door bursts open and the Fox and Rabbit appear.] The Fox: Dammit, we missed him again! The Rabbit:  [sulkily] We never get to see Santa. The Fox:  Well, at least presents were left for everyone.  There are Sashi’s cartons of cigarettes, Zephyr’s inner tube, and Aki’s roller blades. The Rabbit:  I see Kallixstus’ Scrabble game and Kribensis’ French maid uniform.  I’m assuming that guy wearing only a bow is Stoer and Lochs’ Starbucks Guy. Starbucks Guy: [waves] Hey, I’m Mark. The Fox and Rabbit: [wave] Hey, Mark. [A bell chimes and the Fox and Rabbit glance around the room, confused, before turning to Ikkairius.] Ikkairius: Ancelin’s Easy Bake Meth Lab.  It would seem as though the amphetamines are done. The Fox and Rabbit:  Ah… The Rabbit:  It looks like Santa forgot us this year… The Fox: Yeah… Ikkairius: Actually, he said that since you were the creative forces of this universe there really wasn’t too much he could give you that you couldn’t just make for yourselves.  However, he did leave two very special presents for you, and asked that I deliver them personally. [The Ancient Selestarri hands the Fox a gleaming silver snowflake.  The Fox turns it over; studying it carefully for a moment before it suddenly explodes with a pink light that surrounds her in shifting hearts, stars, and flowers.  When it dissipates the Fox is wearing a frilly, lacy dress, complete with tiara, magic wand, and fairy wings.  Ikkairius smirks and the Rabbit bursts into giggles.] Ikkairius:  Aki’s revenge. The Fox: [attempts to remove the dress, only to find that it’s stuck to her.]  What the fuck?! The Rabbit:  This is great! Ikkairius:  Don’t you want your gift from Santa? [The Bright points to the top of the tree, and the Rabbit looks up, squinting as she tries to make out what he’s indicating.  A glittering black snowflake ornament falls from the branch, hitting the Rabbit directly on the forehead.]  The Rabbit:  [rubs the rising bump] Ow! Ow!  So. Not. Funny.  Ikkairius:  [stands and walks to the doorway] Just little gifts from Santa that I helped pick out.  Hope you enjoyed, and Merry Christmas…    ~ BACK~ All content contained on this site is (C) 2001-2008 by Bounce and Angsty-os (all rights reserved) Please do not take, steal, link or borrow anything on this site without written permission from Bounce (Bunny Writer - Resin Fox)