Thanksgiving Thanksgiving Day Stupidity   [Ikkairius sits in the living room before a snapping fire.  Scattered around the room are assorted toys, video games, art projects, and propped between the couch and the wall, a makeshift fort of cushions and blankets.  Zephyr is curled up on the couch, dressed as a turkey and sleeping contentedly beside an overturned sippy cup.  Paper plates decorated with feathers and construction paper to look like turkeys line the wall adjoining the dining room.  The scents of roasted turkey and mashed potato still hang in the air, although the Thanksgiving meal is hours past.  The Ancient Selestarri takes a sip from a glass of red wine and shuffles the papers in his lap.  Shifting so as to catch the best light from the overhead lamp, he reads the sloppily scrawled print.]    Dear Santa, Ikkairius says I have to write two stupid things I’m thankful for before I can tell you what I want for Christmas.  Thanks for dead birds who give us turkey and the smell of blood, ‘cause it’s the best thing to smell ever.  Okay, I want a deluxe edition of Scrabble, a new whetstone to sharpen my claws, squishy things to sink my claws into [preferably humans, ‘cause they make the best sound when being shredded!], leather pants, a stash of Ancelin’s really good drugs [I’m sure you’ll know where to find them, even if I can’t…], a refrigerator full of Ikkairius’ sippy cups, and a blender.  I’ve been a really good Half-Dark Selestarri this year, and have only maimed seven [and maybe slightly killed one] humans in the past SIX MONTHS!!  Yeah, I can’t believe it either!  I’ve also been extra nice to my brother and sister, even when they deserved an ass kicking, and did all the chores that Ikkairius and the Incendia Seeker have asked me to.  Seriously, it’s been hard, but I know I’ve earned my place on the ‘nice’ list this year, so there’s no reason not to bring what I’ve asked for. Merry Christmas! --Kallixstus PS:  Please wrap all my presents extra tight with bubble wrap, otherwise Ancelin and Kribensis shake them, and they break…     [Ikkairius shakes his head and places the letter on the side table before continuing to the next one, which smells of Calvin Klein’s Eternity for Men.]    Dear Santa, Thanks for: our very sexy selves, our Emperor, the plane crash that killed Janell and Brandeis, Calvin Klein, Dolce and Gabbana, Christian Dior, Versace, Armani, that fetish club in Amsterdam, edible body paints, fuzzy handcuffs, over-the-knee lace-up boots, how great our asses look in leather pants without underwear, Ikkairius’ sippy cups, and that hot guy we saw at Starbucks yesterday… Okay, now down to why we’re really writing: Christmas presents.  We’ve been very good this year, as we’re sure you know.  Remember that girl we dressed up as the Tooth Fairy back in April?  The one who died choking on her own blood even as she screamed and begged for mercy?  Yeah?  Well we haven’t killed anyone since then.  Not a single person!  For reals!  So, since we’ve absolutely been on our very best behavior, please bring us the following: Stoer: old vintage Egelhoff Cabernet Sauvignon, two hours alone with that hot guy from the club last weekend [No, not the one I gave the blowjob to in the VIP section, the other one.  Tall guy, blonde hair?  Yeah, him.  Totally hot, right? J ] and a bread maker. Lochs: a pony [Preferably the new 2-year old we saw last week at the horse show.  And by ‘pony’ I mean racing Thoroughbred], Reisu, and a food processor. Joint Gifts: a long, torturous stay in hell for our parents, marshmallow peeps, new Ferraris [we only have last year’s models…sigh] a summer home in Bali, and the Starbucks guy under our tree wearing only a red bow. Thanks, Santa!  You’re the best! Stoer and Lochs    [The next letter is written on slightly crumpled paper in sprawling black crayon.  Ikkairius takes a sip of his wine, inhaling the lingering scent of cigarettes before reading.]    Dear Santa, Ikkairius says that writing this letter is the only way I’ll actually get any Christmas presents this year, so even though you don’t actually exist I’m really glad we’re using the reindeer to get these letters to the North Pole instead of FedEx.  [Sorry, Zeph was reading over my shoulder and he still believes in you, so I’ll try to be a good big brother and not ruin it for him.]  Anyway, I’m thankful for Aki and my brother, soccer, thunderstorms, Ikkairius’ sippy cups, and grande caliente burritos.  That’s enough, right?  If not, whatever, I’ll make up more if you [Ikkairius] wants. Christmas List: New soccer cleats The Stranger by Albert Camus Any ‘Nightwish’ or “Depeche Mode” CD Cigarettes Black nail polish and eye liner [what? I’m currently out of both, so fuck you.] A toaster oven A large razor wire web to throw the Incendia Seeker in A repeat of my birthday gift from Zeph Merry Whatever, Sashi    [Ikkairius pulls a pink piece of construction paper, written in glitter pen and decorated with alternating hearts and bloodstains from the pile and smiles as he reads the girlish script, complete with rounded letters and swirls over the ‘i’s.]    Dearest Santa, It’s your favorite girl: Ancelin!! ♥♥♥  I have been as awesome as always this year, so I know you have some wicked cool presents for me!  Here’s what I want:  VIP entrance passes to the hottest clubs in Europe, Asia, and the Americas [see attached list], an Easy Bake Meth Lab, a new bullwhip, a fifteen minute ‘shopping spree’ at my favorite chemical plant [you know which one! ^____^], lots of new friends for my ‘tea parties,’ the choice pieces from Prada and Jimmy Choo’s seasonal lines, a stronger disinfectant cleaner, an unlimited supply of crackers, an electric mixer, and even though I’ve asked for the last 58 years, I’ll ask again this year: please bring me a pair of wings! Love, Ancelin! PS: Thanks for my brothers, stupid human guinea pigs, Mr. Clean’s Magic Eraser [You would not believe how well this gets blood off a cement wall.  Seriously!], arsenic, neurotoxins, opiates, Rohypnol, amobarbital, methylenedioxymethamphetamin, anticholinergics, crackers, Ikkairius’ sippy cups, my ‘tea party’ guests, and cheesecake.  J      [A cloud filled sky and carefully sketched renditions of Bomberman kicking a bomb at what appeared to be Sashi and Zephyr surrounded blue crayon words.]    Dear Santa, Merry Christmas!  This year I’m thankful that everyone I love and care for has remained safe throughout the year, for the miraculous powers of coffee, for that one time I was able to beat Zeph and Sashi in Mario Cart 64, for afternoon naps in the sun, for long flights over the Deepening Mountains on the Eyrie, for the fact that I will never again in my life have to discuss ‘corpse fucking’ since I’ve done it once now, for Ikkairius’ sippy cups, and for marshmallow peeps.  If the following will fit in your sled, [but I completely understand if you need room for the orphan’s presents.] then I would like:      --The SNES Game Genie cheat codes for Mario Cart 64      --Noise-deafening headphones to shut out the Sidereal Oracle and my mother --New roller blades --Bomberman Land to go along with the Wii that you’re bringing Zeph for Christmas --Coffee.  All kinds, all flavors. --An espresso machine.  Sometimes I need more than just a regular cup of coffee.  Okay, that applies to most days.  J --Sashi in a hot tub.  Naked Sashi in a hot tub.  Naked, bound and blindfolded Sashi in a hot tub.  Yes, that’ll do… I’ll leave the milk and cookies in the usual place.  The one only you and I know about since Kallixstus and the twins always eat the ones we leave by the fireplace.  Oh, and the reindeer treats, too. --Aki   [Ikkairius places Aki’s letter on the side table and glances at the sleeping youngest Selestarri as he reads the excited, multicolored print.]   SANTA! I’m so excited for Christmas!  I started making my list months ago, but Ikkairius said he would only send the one I write today, ‘cause he’s a total Scrooge.  However, he said we could go to the mall and see you this weekend, so be sure to look for me!  [I’ll be wearing my goggles, and my hair will be red—no blue—no purple—no orange…well, maybe all those colors…]  Anyway, I guess it’s still Thanksgiving, so thanks for my big brother Sashi, his partner Aki, the twins, Kribensis, Ancelin, Kallixstus, Ikkairius and his sippy cups, waffles, freshly packed powder at Heavenly, the release of two new video game systems in one year, my standing VIP status at the clubs on Ibiza, and pacifiers. The Scrooge made me cut my list down to just ten things, but I’ll bring the real list this weekend. 1)      The Voltron DVD box set 2)    A new Atchley Zoology Elements skateboard 3)    A juicer 4)    Another fox inner tube, just as a backup.  ^__^ 5)    DVD box sets of last season’s Survivior, Amazing Race, America’s Next Top Model, the Real World, and Project Runway 6)    Graphic novels: Nightwing: Renegade, Yoshitaka Amano Hero #1, Exiles Vol. 13: World Tour Book 2, and Bondage Fairies Collected Edition [lets keep that last one just between us, okay?  I may be a kid, but I’m not that young. ^_~] 7)    Nintendo Wii 8)    Playstation 3 9)    A case of Binky pacifiers 10) A new wafflemaker [my old one died of overuse, and Ikkairius said I can’t burn out any more of his L] Everyone says I’ve been really good this year [although I have been in a coma for part of it…] so hopefully I’m on the ‘nice’ list and won’t be getting a stocking full of coal.  Stinky.  I’ve done all my chores, tried not to annoy Sashi, and even managed to keep my room clean!  Okay, so maybe not my whole room, but at least that little spot by the door has visible carpet!  That counts, right? You’re the best, Santa!  I’ll see you this weekend! Zephyr   [The last letter is written on watercolor paper over a landscape of smoke and burning buildings.]   Dear Santa Claus, I have no idea who you are or why I’m writing to you other than everyone tells me you’re a jolly old fat man who takes present requests from kids.  Then you apparently make your slaves, the elves, create the items on our lists while you sit around and let Mrs. Claus attend to your every need.  On Christmas you ride around in a sleigh pulled by twelve reindeer to survey your handy work and lord over your Empire.  I like you, Santa.  You and I are on the same page.  I understand you so much better than a bunch of Indians and Pilgrims eating dead animals and pretending to be thankful for living on a frozen dirt pile in New England and not starving to death all because they had religious freedom.  Now that’s a crock of shit.  Who would possibly be thankful for backbreaking labor in a part of the world that’s under snow for eight months of the year?  That’s right, no one.  I, on the other hand, have important things to be thankful for: my Empire, my siblings, the twins, the twins’ endless sex drives, and Ikkairius’ sippy cups. As for my gift requests, I command that the following be brought to me: one of every item at the Hello Kitty store in Tokyo, a case of Cristal, that ruffled maid’s outfit that Sashi promised me back at Veteran’s Day, a new pirate costume since Kallixstus shredded my last one, art supplies, a throne carved of onyx and inlaid with sapphire and ivory, new slaves for my harem, and a food dehydrator, because have you had dried banana chips?  Seriously-- Best. Invention. Ever. I’ll meet you on Christmas Eve to drink the Cristal and swap stories of wielding supreme power over stupid human cattle.  I also hear there will be milk and cookies, so we’ll liberally indulge in those as well. Kribensis, Emperor of EbonReach   [Ikkairius unpeels a clump of red and green Post-It notes from the back of Kribensis’ letter.]    Dear Santa, For Christmas this year please bring me a time stopping device so that I may write the story faster, a promise that I will never have to visit the inside of that top hat again, Ikkairius’ sippy cups in IV form, and a way to tell when someone’s throwing something at my head, ‘cause I’ve had enough concussions this year.  Oh, and Wawa pretzels… Thanks, The  ()_()         (=' :')         (,('')('')   [The Ancient Selestarri smiles as he reads the Post-Its.  Adding them to the other letters, he draws a small pattern in the air and waits patiently as a blank piece of crisp, white paper appears.  Summoning a white quill pen and bottle of ink, he begins to write.]    Dear Santa, Holiday Greetings.  As per our standing agreement, I would like my usual Christmas requests: a storehouse full of brandy, cognac, absinthe, and scotch; another storehouse full of sippy cups; and subscriptions to the major world newspapers.  Also, if you would grant the requests of my charges, even if they are disaffected, cynical, violent, psychotic, hyper, parasitic, hedonistic, aggravating, and self-centered children, they still deserve a good Christmas, and I would see it as a personal favor.  Best regards, Ikkairius   [Rising from the overstuffed chair, Ikkairius quietly opens the small drawer in the side table and removes a red envelope.  Placing the letters inside, he carefully seals the flap and reaches around the floor lamp to open the window.  Concentrating, he slowly constructs a complicated pattern formed of white energy and shaped like a many-pointed snowflake.  Finishing, he feeds the envelope to the swirling magic and watches as it disappears.  The pattern dissolves into hundreds of tiny, twinkling snowflakes and rushes out the window in a burst of cold air.  The Ancient Selestarri watches through the glass for a moment as it streaks northward through the sky, and then closes the window.  He walks through the room, summoning a blanket for Zeph and returning the pacifier that had fallen onto the couch cushions before switching off the lights and heading for the kitchen.] [The Rabbit and the Fox sit at the kitchen table, playing cards and drinking wine.  Ikkairius cuts a piece of pumpkin pie, pours a fresh glass and waits as the Fox deals him in.] The Rabbit: I think it went well considering we had eight kids and only three adults to manage them and the meal. The Fox: Stoer and Lochs only made seven jokes about ‘stuffing the turkey’ and needed just one threat of death after being physically separated from giving a visual explanation to Kribensis and Zephyr.  I was so surprised… Ikkairius: [raises his wine glass] Happy Thanksgiving, ladies. The Fox and Rabbit: [raise their glasses and clink them together] Happy Thanksgiving.   ~ BACK~ All content contained on this site is (C) 2001-2008 by Bounce and Angsty-os (all rights reserved) Please do not take, steal, link or borrow anything on this site without written permission from Bounce (Bunny Writer - Resin Fox)